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ramsey13
06-25-2012, 09:58 PM
Best Joke gets 50 card cash from me.
Rules:
1. Keep it clean. I have kids.
2. Less than 45 words. Some of us read like kids.
3. Contest ends June 30th at midnight.

Let me get it started.

Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!
Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.

lauriontj
06-26-2012, 12:50 AM
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

1of23
06-26-2012, 01:35 AM
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."


two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

. 'A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!" '.

cfagent0
06-26-2012, 02:20 AM
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem.


Doctor: Have you ever fainted before?
Patient: Yes, the last time you told me your fees.

ramsey13
06-26-2012, 11:57 AM
What did the rug say to the floor........I got you covered!

70sbestcardboard
06-26-2012, 12:03 PM
What's the difference between a Violin and a Fiddle?

Depends on how many teeth the person playing it has.

magic_bobcat
06-26-2012, 01:03 PM
Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9

Why didn't the blind man sky dive? Because it scared the poo out of the dog

ramsey13
06-26-2012, 01:46 PM
What's the difference between a Violin and a Fiddle?

Depends on how many teeth the person playing it has.

I LIKE IT!:thumb:

shepsspot33
06-26-2012, 01:58 PM
What do you call a Smurf with his pants down?

A blue moon!

joepapamama
06-26-2012, 02:18 PM
Two peanuts walked into an alley...one was asalted (assaulted)

ildd
06-26-2012, 05:32 PM
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."



That's so messed up :pound:

orangedolphin
06-26-2012, 10:46 PM
What do you get when you cross a turkey and a centipede?.....Enough drumsticks for everyone!!!!!!!

wickedroller
06-27-2012, 09:03 AM
Obama

Triple Peanut
06-27-2012, 09:38 AM
did you hear about the award winning scarecrow?
he was outstanding in his field

orangedolphin
06-27-2012, 10:43 AM
What did 1 casket say to the other casket with a cold?.........Is that you coffin!!!!

Frantiic
06-27-2012, 11:23 AM
One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw another blonde on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ***".

Joncamburn
06-27-2012, 11:28 AM
What did the snail say when he was riding on the turtles back?


WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE E!!!!!

TitansFan
06-27-2012, 01:41 PM
I don't know why, when someone says something can't be compared, they say its like apples and oranges. Those can be compared.. Uh, they are both fruits.

Why not use something like apples and poverty? Of course those can be compared also. They both keep the doctor away.

joepapamama
06-27-2012, 04:34 PM
Women's Rights

1of23
06-27-2012, 04:49 PM
Women's Rights

I see what you did there :spy: :love0030: :pound:

ramsey13
06-27-2012, 08:50 PM
2 people walk into a bar......... the 3rd one ducked.

wicked weasel
06-27-2012, 09:55 PM
what color does a smuf turns if you choke him?

wicked weasel
06-27-2012, 09:55 PM
yo momma so fat she sat on a dollar and made change .....

palantri
06-27-2012, 11:13 PM
Upper Deck Customer Support

ramsey13
06-29-2012, 08:47 PM
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are u shaking shes gonna eat me!

Wickabee
06-29-2012, 09:12 PM
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick

Q: What did the orange say to the lemon?
A: Hello, lemon

Ricky lived in a small town. It was such a small town that the only thing that ever happened there was the week the carnival came to town. For the rest of the year, Ricky and his friends would sit and think about the carnival, reminisce about the carnival and make plans for the next carnival. Ricky loved the carnival, I mean LOVED it. He loved it more than Christmas and Halloween combined, and he loved Christmas and Halloween. Some say he even loved the carnival more than his own home.

Well, the carnival came around one year and Ricky was so excited. He slept outside the fairgrounds for two nights before it opened. He was the first one through the gate and he made sure he did everything twice. He rode all the rides, played all the games, ate one of everything and then did it all again. All of it, though, was just killing time until his absolute favourite part of the carnival. The big finale that was the Clown Show.

The Clown Show started at 7:30, but he got his seat at 7. Front row center. Eventually people started filing in and the place became packed. Everyone loved the Clown Show. Well, the show started and it was great. Ricky chuckled when all the clowns came out of a little car. He laughed when one clown squirted another with seltzer water. He howled with delight when they all got into a pie fight.

But then something happened that Rickey didn't expect. The lights dimmed slightly and it got quiet, real quiet. The Head Clown walked up to the microphone and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, for this next part, we'll need a volunteer."
Without a thought Ricky jumped out of his seat and started flailing his hands over his head and screaming, trying to be seen. He could hardly believe it when the Head Clown pointed and said, "Well use this young fellow here."

Ricky walked onto the stage and looked out over the crowd. He knew everyone there. All his freinds, family and neighbours had smiles on their faces. They knew what this meant to him. Ricky was beside himself with joy to be on the stage in front of everyone at the Clown Show.

As Ricky stood there, the Head Clown walked up to the mic and said, "Son, what's your name?"
"R-Ricky, sir," Ricky replied, a little nervous.
"Ok, Ricky," said the Head Clown, "Are you a mule?"
Ricky shook his head, "No."
The clown looked at him. "Are you a donkey?"
Ricky shook his head again, "No."
"Well then," said the Head Clown, "You must be an @$$"

The crowd started laughing, but the world was silent for Ricky. In the time it took for the Head Clown to say what he said, Ricky's world fell apart. He looked over the audience and they were laughing. They were laughing AT HIM! Ricky turned and ran off the stage crying.

That night Ricky vowed he would never be had like that again. The very next day he started studying every comedian and old TV show he could find. He would learn the art of the perfect comeback and never again be laughed at like that. He studied day and night watching old episodes of All in the Family and M*A*S*H. He listened to Richard Pryor albums and watched George Carlin for hours, just to see how they dealt with hecklers. Before Ricky new it, the carnival was back in town...and he was ready.

Ricky went to the carnival and rode all the rides twice. He played all the games twice and ate one of everything twice. When it came time for the big finale, he picked the same seat. He laughed at the antics of all the clowns, but then the time came. The Head Clown walked up to the microphone and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, for this next part, we'll need a volunteer."
Without a thought Ricky jumped out of his seat and started flailing his hands over his head and screaming, trying to be seen. He could hardly believe it when the Head Clown pointed and said, "Well use this young fellow here."

Ricky walked onto the stage and looked out over the crowd. He knew everyone there. All his freinds, family and neighbours had smiles on their faces. They knew what this meant to him. Especially a second time.

As Ricky stood there, the Head Clown walked up to the mic and said, "Son, what's your name?"
"R-Ricky, sir," Ricky replied, a little nervous.
"Ok, Ricky," said the Head Clown, "Are you a mule?"
Ricky shook his head, "No."
The clown looked at him. "Are you a donkey?"
Ricky shook his head again, "No."
"Well then," said the Head Clown, "You must be an @$$"

Suddenly Ricky imagined himself diving into a swimming pool. Once he dove into the water he opened his eyes and saw he was surrounded by every one-liner, every comeback, every smart-aleck remark he had studied all year. He swam and swam, looking for that perfect line. Suddenly he saw. Ricky reached out and grabbed it. He opened his eyes and he was onstage with the Head Clown and everyone was laughing at him, but he knew better. Ricky looked at the Head Clown, smiled slightly, grabbed the microphone from him and said, "Oh yeah?

well screw you."

Oxxon
06-29-2012, 11:06 PM
Why did the little girl fall from the swing? She had no arms.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead.

UNCrolltide4
06-29-2012, 11:20 PM
Obama


Lol, best one right here!

UNCrolltide4
06-29-2012, 11:23 PM
Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a car she said "Who threw that rock at me?"

Mannywood3
06-29-2012, 11:28 PM
Panini Customer Service

Panini Redemtion wait

theonedru
06-29-2012, 11:58 PM
2 men walk into a bar the first man says " I will have some h2o The 2nd man says " I will have some h2o too ", the 2nd man dies.................

boba
06-30-2012, 12:36 AM
Don't be racist, be like Mario! He's an Italian plummer Created by Japanese people who speaks English, looks like a Mexican, runs like a Jamaican, jumps like a black man, likes white women, and grabs coins like a Jew.

Sticking with un politically correct jokes...
If a tree falls on a woman and there's no one around to hear it, why is there a tree in the kitchen?

DiebytheCubs
06-30-2012, 01:59 AM
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

Two eggs are in a frying pan. One of them says, "Sure is hot in here."
The other one replies, "Oh my God, a talking egg!"

magic_bobcat
06-30-2012, 07:42 AM
How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler

magic_bobcat
06-30-2012, 07:43 AM
This is one of my slightly more morbid ones.

Why did little Lucy fall off the swing?
We cut her arms and legs off.

TitansFan
06-30-2012, 09:40 AM
This is one of my slightly more morbid ones.

Why did little Lucy fall off the swing?
We cut her arms and legs off.

Why did Lucy fall off the swing?
She had no arms

Knock Knock.
Whose there?
Not lucy.

ensbergcollector
06-30-2012, 10:16 AM
why did the chicken cross the road? to get to your house

knock knock.
who's there?
chicken


(star wars humor) what is the temperature inside a tauntaun? luke warm

boba
06-30-2012, 10:52 AM
why did the chicken cross the road? to get to your house

knock knock.
who's there?
chicken


(star wars humor) what is the temperature inside a tauntaun? luke warm

Well played

Wickabee
06-30-2012, 04:05 PM
What has two legs and bleeds profusely?



Half a kitten.

wicked weasel
06-30-2012, 05:27 PM
what do you call a cow with no legs? ....... ground beef

wicked weasel
06-30-2012, 05:27 PM
yo momma so fat she tripped over walmart and landed on target

Frantiic
06-30-2012, 06:02 PM
Chuck Norris got bitten by an extremely poisonous snake, after extreme pain and seizure the snake died.

ramsey13
06-30-2012, 08:44 PM
What did Pamela Anderson's left knee say to her right knee...........
Nothing they have never met.:pound:

Me and you are like butt cheeks... a lot of crap has come between us but we always end up together in the end.:confused0054:

70sbestcardboard
06-30-2012, 08:56 PM
what has four legs and flies?

A horse

What do you get if you cross a rattlesnake and a doughnut?

A snake that rattles and rolls

ramsey13
07-01-2012, 11:53 PM
What's the difference between a Violin and a Fiddle?

Depends on how many teeth the person playing it has.

Heres the winner folks. Thanks too all.