Favorite Simpsons moments/lines

[Stl_Cardinals_Fan]

Here's some from various episodes.

Ralph: Prindimple Stimpster I mean Printnickle Stinster.......I found something!!! It's a spear head!
Miss Hoover: No Ralph, that's your trowel blade. It fell off the handle
Ralph: And I found it!!!

Ned: Is it an Angel?
Lisa: Well obviously that's imposs--
Moe: Lisa's right it's an Angel!

Homer: Marge you know I'm always open to new things......Onions in the peas!?!?!?! What the hell is this crap?!?!?

Mr. Burns: What happened to my star team?
Smithers: Sir, Mike Soscia may not live through the night. Steve Sax is facing seven consecutive life-sentences and Ozzie Smith appears to have disappeared off the face of the planet.

Mr. Burns: You Strawberry, hit a homerun
Darryl Strawberry: Ok skip

Mr. Burns: Strawberry, I'm sending up a right handed batter to hit for you.
Darryl Strawberry: You're pinch-hitting for me???
Mr. Burns: Well see, your a left handed player and so is the pitcher. If I send up a right-handed batter it's called "playing the percentages."
Darryl Strawberry: But I have nine home runs today!
Mr. Burns: Yes, yes and you should be very proud of yourself.

Homer: [Hands Marge Popsicle-sticks] This is the most fun I've had giving you wood.

Bart: How could you not see that big ship?
Sea Captain: Yar, me two glass eyes.

Mr: Burns: That's odd, the blood usually gets off at the 2nd floor.

Brandine: Cletus, what's that say?
Cletus: Uh...it says...I loves you Brandine.
Brandine: Aww, I'm gonna let you knock me up again tonight

Ralph: Hi Lisa, hi Principal Skinner, hi Super Nintendo Chalmers.....I'm learnding.

Homer: I don't know Marge, trying is the first step towards failure.

(From the episode where he becomes an astronaut)
Homer: Hello, President Clinton. Hi, I figured that if anyone knew how to get some tang around here it would be you.

Utah Minister: And how many brides will you marrying today?
Bart: Just one.
Utah Minister: Pshhhh, What are you, gay?

Homer: Don't worry, old blinky will get us out of this. {taps the governor in the truck}
Governor: I'm sorry Homer, I can't let you do this. {ejects itself from the truck}
Bart: Dad....do something!
Homer: {Buckles his seat belt}
Bart: Something better!

Homer: This is Red Barclay's shipment...on time as always.
Dock Worker: {Opens trailer} Ok, artichokes and migrant workers. All set. Say, where is old Red anyway?
Homer: Well the last time I saw him he was in a big plastic bag.
Dock Worker: haha, that sounds like old Red alright.
{Homer and Bart walk away}
Bart: How are we gonna get home dad?
Homer: Don't worry son, I have a feeling the good lord will provide.
Train Driver: {yelling to conductor} Are you crazy? I'm not gonna drive a train full of napalm to Springfield. {throws his hat on the ground and walks away}
Homer: {Picks up hat} Thank you lord.

[Stl_Cardinals_Fan]

Here's some more


Homer: The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us till he's 21
Marge: Won't that warp him?
Homer: My cousin Frank did it
Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank
Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is 'Mother Shabubu' now

Homer: Stupid Flanders, you're a genius

(After the crayon re-insertion)
Lisa: Dad, how could you? We were connecting in such a meaningful way.
Homer: We were what in a what what?

Hans Moleman: (After being locked in the Kwik-E-Mart whilst Apu has gone out) You stole four minutes of my life and I want them back! (thinking) Oh, I'd only waste them anyway.

Chief Wiggum: I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.

Lisa: Dad, Bart's trying to kill me!
Homer: Lisa, nobody likes a tattletale.

Ned Flanders: Homer! I think we hit something!
Homer Simpson: Yeah, I hope it was Flanders!

Homer: Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Krandel! Oh, why didn't anyone tell me I've been making an idiot out of myself!?

Cletus: Hey Brandeen! Empty out the tub, we's making Rum!
Brandeen: Can't use the tub, I'm drowning rats in it!
Cletus: Still?! Are you drownin' em' or making love to em'?

Ned Flanders: Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus?
Ned Flanders: No, no, Reverend. The point is, he said a bad word.
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible.
Ned Flanders: Where in the Bible?
Rev. Lovejoy: Uh... page 900.

Milhouse: How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.

Moe: Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
[The barflies all bow their heads. After a short silence...]
Barney: How long has it been?
Moe: Six seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell, no

Homer: Wait! I think I have the perfect solution!
Mayor Quimby: Well you'd better, because those garbage men won't work for free!
Homer: Doh!

Lisa: Dad! We did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes!
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart and Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: Alright then!

[gatorboymike]

Lurlene: Oh, Homer! You're as smart as you are handsome!
Homer: Hey! Oh, you meant that as a compliment.

[the car Homer and Flanders are driving in runs over a bump]
Flanders: I think we hit something!
Homer: I hope it's Flanders! Heh heh heh!

[Lisa notices Nelson's "Nuke the Whales" poster]
Lisa: Nuke the whales? You don't really believe that, do you?
Nelson: Eh. You gotta nuke something.

Homer: (driving and singing in tune to the Flintstones theme song) Simpson, Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in history! From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree! ...AAAHHH! (slams into tree)

Lisa: I'd like the smartest animal you have, please.
Pet store owner: Ok, let's see. (puts a hamster on the counter) This little guy writes mysteries under the name of J.B. MacGregor.
Lisa: How can a hamster write mysteries?
Pet store owner: He figures out the end first, then works backwards.
Lisa: Give me a break.
Pet store owner: Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him.

Sideshow Bob: You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! Bah, I deride your truth-handling abilities!

Grandpa: I can do it! I'm full of piss and vinegar! Before, I was just full of vinegar.

Ralph: I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
Lisa: Hey, my dad may have gained some weight, but that doesn't mean he's some kind of food-crazed maniac!
[Homer drives by the school bus in an ice cream truck]
Homer: Mmm, chocolate, good!
Lisa: (groans)

Comic book guy: No groaning in my store.

Skinner: That's two independent thought alarms in one day. I was afraid it would come to this. Willie, remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Willie: I warned ye! Didn't I warn ye? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!

[Insane Irish]

Some Good ones:

Lionel Hutz: This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.”

Troy McClure: Don’t kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about!

Milhouse: Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? *Why did I have the bowl?*

Homer: I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.

Homer: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

Homer: How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Principal Skinner: Fire can be our friend; whether it’s toasting marshmallows or raining down on Charlie.

Homer: Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Homer: How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.



And a few of my favs:

Nelson: Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

Krusty the Clown: And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Superintendent Chalmers: “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

Burns: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?
Smithers: Err...no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.

[Stl_Cardinals_Fan]

Edit, Double Post

[Stl_Cardinals_Fan]

Homer: "Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done."

Homer: "I am so smart, I am so smart, s-m-r-t....I mean s-m-A-r-t."

Homer: "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'."

Homer: God bless those pagans."

Homer: "If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!"

Homer: I don't mind being called a liar when I am lying, when I am about to lie or just finished lying... but not when I am telling the truth.

Homer: And here I am using my own lungs like a fool! In the nursing home -- after seeing Lucky hooked up to a respirator.

Ralph: When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar.

Mayor Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with digging up a corpse?

Homer: Homer no function beer well without.

Superintendent Chalmers: I've had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Ned Flanders: I've done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff!

Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1...2.

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the...uh...what cures cancer?

Chief Wiggum: Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!

Homer: Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals…except the weasel.

Grandpa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot.

Kent Brockman: …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Chief Wiggum: They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the day.

Smithers: I'm allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.

Homer: Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.

Krusty the Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hantavirus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box...

Ed Begley Jr.: I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go-cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

[haybierman]

Quotes from my favorite episode:

Announcer #1: Cypress Creek: where dreams come true.
Announcer #2: [quickly] Your dreams may vary from those of Globex Corporation, its subsidiaries and shareholders.

Homer: I'm gonna miss Springfield. This town's been awfully good to us.
Bart: No, it hasn't, Dad. That's why we're leaving.
Homer: Oh, yeah. [pokes his head out the window] So long, Stinktown!

Hank: Ever see a guy say good-bye to a shoe?
Homer: [chuckles] Yes, once.

Hank: We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush; they'd be allowed to go at their own pace.

Bart: So, what are you in for?
Gordy: [slowly and strangely sounding] I moved here from Canada, and they think I'm slow, eh?
Dot: I fell off the jungle gym and when I woke up I was in here.
Warren: I start fires.

Homer: Uh... you have any sugar around here?
Hank: Sugar? Sure. [fumbles in his pockets, takes out a few handfuls of sugar] There you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream?
Homer: Uh... I... no.

and the best line --

Homer: [reading] "Project Arcturus couldn't have succeeded without you. This will get you a little closer to that dream of yours. It's not the Dallas Cowboys, but it's a start. Drop me a line if you're on the East Coast, Hank Scorpio."
[a whole football team is on his lawn]
[disappointed] Aw, the Denver Broncos!
Marge: I think owning the Denver Broncos is pretty good.
[a player tries to catch the ball, but falls]
Homer: Yeah, yeah.
Marge: Well, explain to me why it isn't.
[another player tries to catch, but hits the ball with his head]
Homer: [sighs] You just don't understand football, Marge.

[haybierman]

New classic line from tonight's episode...

"Seymour Skinner never puts all his eggs in one basket. That's why they call me Two-basket Skinner... what? They do!"

[gatorboymike]

[Bart wins a jackpot at the slot machines at Mr. Burns' Casino]
Bart: Woo-hoo, jackpot!
Squeaky-voiced teen: Wait a minute, are you over 21?
Bart: Are you?
Squeaky-voiced teen: I'm not authorized to answer that.
[Bouncers toss Bart out the front door]
Bart: By the way, your martinis suck!
Squeaky-voiced teen: Yeah, what are you gonna do? Start your own casino? In your treehouse? And get all your little friends to come? I'd like to see that! Ha ha ha!
[Bart does exactly that, and the SVT is now working there]
Bart: (greeting visitors) Hey, good to see ya. Glad you could make it.
Squeaky-voiced teen: Well, he certainly showed me...

[the4thcollector]

marge: homer! have you been eating slices of american cheese all night?!
homer: i think i'm blind.